Alphonce SHIUNDU

Reporting from the vantage position that the press gallery is in Parliament, there are times you yearn for some time just to cool off. It gets to a time where an MP rises to speak and all that comes out of his mouth is full of it. It is at these times that I usually yearn for some comic relief. And last Thursday, Bumula MP Bifwoli Wakoli, that Lands assistant minister, had a generous dose of humour. He just gave me some raw, village wit, that I had missed. (No wonder I went home to Mumias that night). (And before you start getting worried about my photoshop skills, let me inform you that I ripped that photo from my email. Someone thought it funny enough and forwarded it. I have also seen it in countless walls on Facebook. So clearly, it is not mine, and whoever owns it, or created it, deserves all acknowledgement. Don't sue me for copyright, I just don't know who owns the rights.) Anyway, if you get the drift and have the background of this honourable member who has his eyes s...

“The threshold to amend a draft Constitution was deliberately set high to ensure that only in the most meritorious of circumstances could this happen. This is a stage where the National Assembly is provided with yet another opportunity to input not to disrupt the process by which the people of Kenya seek to exercise their sovereign right to replace the Constitution. (...) We carry the hopes, aspirations and fears of an entire nation. It is a solemn trust that we must discharge with honour and responsibility." ...Excerpt from the six page ruling by House Speaker Kenneth Marende on March 25, 2010. When I heard those words, I was seated next to KTN's Emmanuel Talam and The Standard's David Ochami. I kept mute as I waited for Mr Isaac Ruto, he of Chepalungu, to rise and seek a clarification from the Speaker's ruling. He didn't. Don't ask me what Talam and Ochami said, but then the Speaker has always proven a kind of expertise on controversial matters with his avan...

I may not be an ardent fan of the Chepalungu MP, but I do love Isaac Ruto for being punctilious in reading the law. He convinced me in what he said yesterday to the Speaker that his (the Speaker's) communication to the House on the rules of engagement had a flaw. I was really humbled by the logic of this man. He speaks his mind even if he can't build roads in his constituency because he is waiting for the Stimulus package that is taking ages to reach the grassroots. Ha! CDF is to provide water, bursaries, bla bla bla and all those 'simple peni-mbili services' to the constituents. All other jobs, major jobs, are the work of government. The balance of the CDF amount after five years, is lumped together with the Sh1.5 million winding up allowance. Ask any MP! Ha! Again! So, after the Speaker told MPs that they'd have to raise 145 of their kind to make any amendments viable, and to force the MPs to present written amendments by this afternoon, Mr Ruto thought the Speak...

When I posted that BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) SOS in my alumni group, I thought I was going to get help instantly. Either that message was not received or those who read it had no idea how to help me. Briefly, here is what happened. There's this guy called JB, a business reporter, who gave me his mini computer for me to install the windows OS on him. Well, he had a SP3 installed and wanted a re-installation of the thing on his computer. When I took the job, I thought it was just a minor piece of work. Make the flash bootable (put the NTLDR in) and have the XP thing reference its installation from the flashdisk. I did so, it installed just fine, at least I thought so, but when setup decided that it was time to restart the computer, the machine flashed that Blue Screen of Death. So, I turned to google and saw that many of the people who had posed a similar question had been through the experience yet no answer had been given. So, here I was finished and done. Then an idea occurred ...

Hahaha. I can't stop laughing. ODM came to KIA and even before the deal-making began, they issued a statement saying they want regional governments, they want counties increased, they want no one to mess with transitional clauses and that they want a powerful Senate. These things are what in the first place took PNU and the Ruto-Uhuru axis to Kabete. And now ODM was drawing the line and daring PNU to cross it. Perhaps making it clear that there'll be no Kabete deal. I recalled what Alex Ndegwa -- that Iser at The Standard whom together we covered the KIA meeting for competing newspapers--had said on that first morning. Ndegwa reckoned that it was a tactic. Come with outrageous demands, make your partner concede and you also concede and in the end, you concede all you have after your partner has conceded everything. See? Now at KIA, ODM issued that statement, got PNU off-guard and boom they got their way in Parliament. Then they issue a another statement today (sunday) saying t...

Prime Minister Raila Odinga is a man who can charm crowds. I know it and I love him strictly for the entertainment value. Nothing more. Even if he went to sell mandazi in Kibera, I'd still love his political humour. But then, this does not in any way translate into votes. Mine is just one and he has millions of followers! But I digress. I went shaving my head over the weekend at Ochieng's Kinyozi just near where I stay. Now, if you shave in this 'base' barbershops, you'd know why I love to talk with these people. They have some raw logic in their understanding of politics and at times they can make you shudder. So as Ochieng's shaving machine slashed my hair off my head, he recalled what some guy who was shaving said upon seeing Raila's weekend statement that he made somewhere in Butula deep in western Kenya, close to the border town of Busia. This is the statement: " Kila mtu atafute bunduki na risasi. Bunduki ni kitambulisho, na risasi ni kadi ya kur...

Now now now, these scandals are coming in doubles. Even triples. The media is the sure winner, but then there are politicians leveraging from this. So, ODM deputy party leader Musalia Mudavadi is implicated in the Sh283 million cemetery scandal. The Prime Minister, Raila Odinga (the ODM leader) says his deputy cannot be sacked unless the investigation report is complete. He says the PricewaterhouseCoopers report was complete and implicated Agriculture Minister William Ruto. Mr Ruto is a a co-deputy leader in ODM, but he has since fallen out with the Prime Minister and gone ahead to “apologise” to his Kalenjin community that he was sorry for pleading with them to vote for Mr Odinga in 2007. Mr Odinga, then said the Kenya AntiCorruption Commission had sent the report to the Head of Civil Service Francis Muthaura and him, when the procedure was to have the report go to the AG. This is politics! ‘Double M’ insists. Ouch! I remember Amos Kimunya used the same argument –this is polit...

Good people, I am afraid about being busy writing for the Nation and neglecting this blog. I am afraid it just had to happen. Anyway, last Friday I went to Moi University's Main Campus in Kesses, Eldoret. I ended up at the School of Information Sciences where I spoke for four hours to just 18 students --actually I finished the long talk with just 7 of them-- and I was touched. I told them about working in the newsroom, how the glamour they see on TV or the thrill of the byline is just the only good side to working right there. My man Auta, will disagree and tell me that I have the opportunity to wine and dine with the high and mighty in society, but then, I know better. Nonetheless, Auta is right to some extent. Dr Kogos, the HoD, welcomed me pretty well. I felt like a celebrity. Then we talked a little about Esther Arunga and Hellon, thank goodness she didn't ask about the 'media stupidity.' So, on my tour of the school I saw these students with laptops, real laptops,...